Our family size

The question I have been hearing lately as I am pregnant with our third child, within our first 4 1/2 years of marriage is our family size. It comes in different forms: How many more kids do you want? Are they planned? Another kid?!!These are asked by single people, doctor's, or strangers (even people we know). Here is what I have to say to EVERYONE!!!!
When we were going through our marriage prep, we both wrote down we wanted five or more children. Once Lukrik was born we looked at each other and said okay only 5! After Ezekiel was born, again we looked at each other and said only 4! Now, as I have a 3 yr. old, and 1 1/2 yr. old to take care of as I am pregnant, I keep saying to Lucas only 3!! I had more morning sickness with this little baby, than my previous two, so it makes me shudder to think of a fourth pregnancy. Here is the thing we are not opposed to a big family and are constantly praying for the Lord's guidance for our family. Don't get me wrong, I am thankful to be able to bear children so easily and more being a mother to precious treasures! Really though it is difficult to not be exhausted and struggle with always being happy. Although, the Lord definitely gives me the grace to find it joyous, rewarding, and absolute love for it!!! I actually would still love 5 children but it is a lot of hard work not only to have them but to raise them. Also financially we could not afford a bigger family on one income, get out of debt, and eventually own a home. We believe in having me as their primary care taker in these crucial early years. So for now 3 children is good. :)
I know the next question is why so close in age? Well honestly its hard and easy this way. The boys are great playmates. Plus breastfeeding Ezekiel was easier on my body (boobs) having just done it a year before for Lukrik. Also, I am only getting older and yes 30 is still young enough to bear children, but I feel like now is my prime baby making time, lol!! So for now that it is it and then we still have time later if we happen to feel called to have more children. I mean it is not set in stone and God may have other plans for us later. Honestly, if anything we have learned a lot about our marriage in these 4 1/2 years: It is that we love the Lord more than anything and openly chose to create life through our love for one another, regardless of how many children we have. Just as long as we know we are true to God's teachings about respecting life and being open to more children, then we are truly living our vocation as husband and wife. ;) <3

Abuse is not love...Part 2

*This post is very personal, and serious. I hope it is informative on how healthy relationships should be and how to seek help. Here are some websites to check out: www.loveisnotabuse.com,         www.breakthecycle.org, and  www.joyfulhearfoundation.org. *  

If you missed Part 1 click here!

Now things progressed we got to know each other. I could see good traits, but the bad traits stood out over the good. He seemed easily jealous, quick tempered, and skeptical about everyone's intentions. After about 4 months a good friend pointed out that these things were signs of abusiveness and suggested I take it slow maybe a break. So I heeded her advice and he was okay with it at first. Sort of he kept trying to prove that he could seem less jealous, which was the only reason I gave him for needing a break. He also still called, came over unexpectedly, and tried to invite me places. I should have seen how obsessive and unhealthy this was. By the summer we were dating again and this is when everything just got worse. He always blamed me when he would get angry. He belittled me very often and had a tight rope on my activities. He began to isolate me, but thankfully I still lived with my parents and we had a pretty open relationship. This helped a ton later when things got pretty bad. 
I think because he had so many issues with his father and just very unstable emotionally this caused me to feel bad for him. I remember suggesting he speak with a counselor, but he refused. So I surrendered and thought maybe I was supposed to help him. Even if it meant suffering abuse, that I was pretending was not there. 
Then the physical abuse began, I remember the first time he slapped me on the face. I was trying to beg to go to a movie with my cousin. He was skeptical and obsessive, got an idea I was going to see some guy or something dumb.I still remember the shame and humiliation I felt deep inside, but I just began to push it aside and ignore it. Just thinking and praying that I could make it through every hurtful word and physical torture. After this one occurrence it happened more and more. I was finally getting very tired of the horrible treatment around November near my birthday. It was a big outburst about some new issue I caused of being disrespectful to him. He was so angry that time that he punched his front windshield and broke it, all while driving!!! 
I began to talk with my mom more after this had happened, I didn't say exactly what happened just that I needed to get away. All without him knowing where I went or when, so he could not find me. Trust me this plan was difficult to even think of let alone say out loud, since time after time he had threatened me about leaving him. Something needed to give, I was so miserable, felt hopeless, and fearful of him. 
Once December came around, I could not take it anymore. I began to try and distance myself from him, also known as lying to him whenever he called. He became weary or should I say angry. One weekend, December 10th to be exact, I manged to avoid him all but one day. He had insistently called my phone, which I ignored. Then he persisted by calling me at home, the first time my dad answered, he told "the guy" I was sleeping already and hung up. He called again and my mom answered and she came in my room, gave me the phone and left. I answered and he was angry...yes I am going to leave you in suspense for a bit, Part 3 coming soon!! 

Pregnancy Update

Today I had an appointment and I have to give a praise report of how good God is because everything is fine with her head measurements!!! Hooray!!!! I am feeling pretty good, just back aches and lots of pulling, she must be growing!! I have been super hungry, but have began the unfortunate indigestion/heartburn which means smaller meals or save for later meals. Have been feeling kicking lots and could watch all day because its amazing!! I am measuring right on for once, even if everyone says I am tiny.
Now I have a new worry/concern which is a medical one. My placenta is lying low, which is marginal placenta previa. It is not covering the cervix but is close and if does not migrate away can lead to a C-Section. I have an ultrasound in 4 weeks, a day after Christmas, to check it out and see what progress it has made. I am asking for lots of prayers because a C-Section, sounds so not fun!!! I am going to pray a novena to Saint Gianna Beretta, here is the link http://saintgianna.org/novena.htm. She has an amazing testimony to motherhood and more importantly her relationship with the Lord. I am very hopeful that the Lord will make good out of it and show me the bigger picture to this little bump in my pregnancy!!! Just to help ease my emotions and heart please pray for us!!!!! I will update again once we find out! :)

Happy Thanksgiving and beginning of Advent!!!!

Abuse is not love...Part 1

*This post is very personal, and serious. I hope it is informative on how healthy relationships should be and how to seek help. Here are some websites to check out: www.loveisnotabuse.com, www.breakthecycle.org, and  www.joyfulhearfoundation.org. *

First, I looked up the definition to the words abuse and love. Abuse- to use wrongly or improperly; misuse. To treat in a harmful, injurious, or offensive way. To speak insultingly, harshly, and in-justly to or about; revile; malign. To commit sexual assault upon. To deceive or mislead. Love- strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties. Warm attachment, enthusiasm, devotion, or admiration. Unselfish loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another. 
Two very different meanings and while you could feel love, abuse should not be the way it is ever expressed. I was thinking that some people, those close to me know what I experienced, but most do not know to what extent. At first I thought it wouldn't be difficult to write about it, but it has been. I think in part because I can't believe I let this person in my life and gave so much power to one person. I have healed a lot through the years, mostly in the first year after it happened because I allowed the Lord to do the healing and amazing things have happened in my life!! I also was encouraged to write about it because many young people are in abusive relationships and need guidance for what a healthy relationship should be. There are different resources out there to help bring awareness and help for those suffering from abuse.
To start I will begin with the fact that I was young, hopeful, and naive. I was 19 years old, had just graduated high school a year before and searching for my life calling. Isn't every 19 year old in search of a career choice, love, and fun?! I had decided to attend these Bible study classes at an extension Bible College Campus at the Christian non-denominational church I was attending at the time. I also met a guy in one of these classes, that had recently began to attend church there. At this time I was very passionate and zealous for sharing the good news of Christ with any willing ear, hence the openness I had towards people. Back to "the guy" he was an acquaintance with friends I had known for many years. This is were it began...
I got a call from some "guy" from church, I had never given him my number or anything. He asked the friend we both knew for my number and her seeing no harm she obliged. He asked questions about our class we had together. From then on began an awkward relationship that would be my most difficult. To be honest I was not attracted to him for any particular characteristic. I just thought let's date a bit and see how it goes, since your Christian and I am too.

Part 2 coming soon!!