Before we got married, 10 years ago, I never even considered birth control as part of how we would have children or not have children to be more correct. Even back in 2008 when I was having issues menstruating regularly and my doctor recommended taking birth control, I didn't. Part of me always knew it was not natural for my body to be on synthetic hormones. My doctor said it could help alleviate my painful cysts I was getting and help regulate my period. I didn't dismiss it completely but really wondered if this was my only option. So I just carried on and suffered through.
Fast forward to spring 2009 about two months before we got married. When we found a Creighton Method instructor. She was in El Paso, Texas at the time and we drove 45 minutes for all our appointments. She worked with your income as far as payment, we were still college students. We paid a total of $100 plus gas for traveling to follow up appointments. A life time investment for our marriage that is priceless. We really enjoyed this time of learning about charting because it was a Catholic woman teaching us, it was actually more spiritual of a marriage prep then our actual in church marriage prep. Which is vital for the Sacrament of Marriage. We understood what my body was doing and how to pray accordingly each month on achieving or avoiding a pregnancy those first months as a married couple. It helped make our communication strong and open. I know I often viewed my cycles with hate before understanding my fertility. Now I see that my body is pretty awesome and I know what is happening with it every month. When I don't know I have a book that helps explain things such as hormonal issues that may be occurring. I always viewed my cycle with dread and shame, but learning about what my body was doing helped me change that perspective. It helped me value my fertility and understand what a great gift it is. As a person that values women and their bodies, learning about your fertility is the most empowering thing you can do for yourself.
I wanted to share a practical view on how NFP works for us. The Creighton Model Method we use has a term for how to better your marriage perspective, it is the SPICE acronym for spiritual, physical, intellectual, creative/communicative, and emotional/psychological. This practice helps us have a better dialogue, mutual respect for each other, shared responsibility, and self-control and self-mastery. Here is a quote from our Creighton Model FertilityCare System book by Dr. Thomas Hilgers, "Furthermore, it considers fertility as a part of health and not disease. In the current contraceptive culture in which we live, human fertility is viewed mostly from the point of view of a disease. The contraception, sterilization and abortion programs that dominate family planning choices all rely upon either suppressing or destroying the procreative capability. But with the Creighton Model System, it is through knowledge and understanding of the cycle of the woman and eventually the fertility cycle of the couple. When fertility is observed as a part of health rather than a part of disease, it is seen as a friend, not an enemy; it is seen as something that is good and not a burden; it is viewed as something to be worked with rather than opposed. It leads to a respect for the body of the spouse." With that said I will take you through each of the SPICE terms and explain how we make it work for us.
Spiritual is the first term on it so of course prayer is important for us as a married couple. We have evolved our prayer life individually as well as a couple. We also had to figure out how to add our children. Prayer for us is huge! It is so powerful and a way to communicate with God. We have learned how to be in tune to each others needs spiritually. For example Lucas just attended the Steubenville West in Tucson with our Parish's youth. It was not easy for me to be alone with all the kids for the weekend (cheated by having Grama come over Saturday and Sunday), but I knew that it would be good for him to go with students from his Confirmation class. It helped him renew his passion for music and teaching Confirmation again. Another thing is that our children see that being spiritual and close to our Lord is important to us. The best example is that we go to Mass together as a family, unless sick. It is the greatest thing you can do for your children, to bring them to Christ. Spiritual is probably our most nurtured area.
Physical is next. First of all I am not a very physically affectionate person to begin with. That being said, it is something that is part of every person. To be physically close to people is important as well. It helps nurture a relationship to show affection physically. So I have definitely learned how to be open to it, especially becoming a mother, lol. For our marriage it is hard to find that middle ground. Lucas is more physically affectionate for sure, it is actually his top love language (more about that later). Now obviously understanding the difference between what this method calls arousal or affirming touch helps to determine whether you will achieve or avoid a pregnancy that month. In other words, yes there are times we have to abstain from the act of intercourse. To be honest it is not that much time that you have to abstain. I hear a lot of couples say it is really hard to abstain. We have to be creative and considerate of one another because of our love for one another. If we are finding it hard then we need to pray more about how our family is growing and whether now is a good time for more children. Pray for self-control and to be responsible about our choices. If it was really hard and we just went with how we felt all the time, we probably would have double the amount of children we have now, lol. So for us our physical relationship is pretty great and creative. You just have to find other ways to be intimate physically besides intercourse.
Intellectual is really a cool component. As lovers of learning and growing this method has helped nurture that part of us. We have to be smart about our choices. In other words we have to be constantly evaluating whether we are achieving or avoiding a pregnancy every month. It keeps things real and we have perspective on how things are going for our family. It actually takes thinking about what we are doing. For example after we had our daughter, we had a 3 year gap before trying to achieve a pregnancy. We had just moved cities for a job and had to get used to that move. We were not in a great place financially to grow our family. This is a time when it was hard to abstain at fertile times because we wanted more children, but financially couldn't. So you can see how it helps you grow intellectually to use this method.
Creative/communicative has been mentioned here and there in the others. We got a better understanding of how to communicate our love creatively by learning each other's love language. We read a book called, "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. It really changed our marriage for the better by understanding that each person has a love language they speak. It seriously was a game changer for us to better nurture our relationship. Being married is not easy by any means, so having an understanding that we each show love differently really helped. It also helped us gain perspective of the other's way to express love. My top love language is acts of service and Lucas' is physical touch. The book gives great tips on how to nurture each love language and fill that love tank. For example when I am feeling an empty love tank, Lucas simply throwing out the trash or doing dishes is huge for me. Lucas' love tank can be filled with a simple affirming hug or back rub. These are also examples of how to be creative with our physical relationship. Of course being free to discuss things that bother you and not feel shame in expressing those feelings.
Emotional/psychological is important for any relationship. It is good to be able to express your feelings openly and not be criticized. In a marriage it takes balance to achieve this. For example we don't get to have date nights often, especially now with five kiddos, but we have to find time to talk. Often we stay up after everyone is sleeping to talk or just cuddle uninterrupted. We obviously are not perfect, so this one is probably the one that is often neglected the most. One thing we started doing is writing each other love notes. When we were dating and engaged that was one big show of love. So we made a digital note on our phones that has letters back and forth. We don't have to respond to each and every note, but just getting to express our love through writing helps and it has always been something we enjoy doing. We also have a synced calendar so we know what is going on in the other one's day. Little things like this help keep our emotions in check and considerate of one another.
So these things are how NFP works in our marriage. Even though we are far from perfect we have been happily married for 10 years. We believe NFP is the best choice for every marriage because it helps us to be healthy, holy and of course happy. So whether you do or don't use any form of NFP, I challenge you to ask yourself why or why not. If you do use it reflect back on why you choose it to begin with. If you don't use it, what have you got to lose? Don't pass up something that can empower you individually and enhance your marriage. May the Lord bless your marriages and help you to be truly free, faithful, fruitful, and total!! <3:)
Lucas and I for our 10th Wedding Anniversary
June 13, 2019
Our family along with Father Leon, Grama Georgie*, and Auntie Becky*(included with our sleeping youngest)
No comments:
Post a Comment