Our family size

The question I have been hearing lately as I am pregnant with our third child, within our first 4 1/2 years of marriage is our family size. It comes in different forms: How many more kids do you want? Are they planned? Another kid?!!These are asked by single people, doctor's, or strangers (even people we know). Here is what I have to say to EVERYONE!!!!
When we were going through our marriage prep, we both wrote down we wanted five or more children. Once Lukrik was born we looked at each other and said okay only 5! After Ezekiel was born, again we looked at each other and said only 4! Now, as I have a 3 yr. old, and 1 1/2 yr. old to take care of as I am pregnant, I keep saying to Lucas only 3!! I had more morning sickness with this little baby, than my previous two, so it makes me shudder to think of a fourth pregnancy. Here is the thing we are not opposed to a big family and are constantly praying for the Lord's guidance for our family. Don't get me wrong, I am thankful to be able to bear children so easily and more being a mother to precious treasures! Really though it is difficult to not be exhausted and struggle with always being happy. Although, the Lord definitely gives me the grace to find it joyous, rewarding, and absolute love for it!!! I actually would still love 5 children but it is a lot of hard work not only to have them but to raise them. Also financially we could not afford a bigger family on one income, get out of debt, and eventually own a home. We believe in having me as their primary care taker in these crucial early years. So for now 3 children is good. :)
I know the next question is why so close in age? Well honestly its hard and easy this way. The boys are great playmates. Plus breastfeeding Ezekiel was easier on my body (boobs) having just done it a year before for Lukrik. Also, I am only getting older and yes 30 is still young enough to bear children, but I feel like now is my prime baby making time, lol!! So for now that it is it and then we still have time later if we happen to feel called to have more children. I mean it is not set in stone and God may have other plans for us later. Honestly, if anything we have learned a lot about our marriage in these 4 1/2 years: It is that we love the Lord more than anything and openly chose to create life through our love for one another, regardless of how many children we have. Just as long as we know we are true to God's teachings about respecting life and being open to more children, then we are truly living our vocation as husband and wife. ;) <3

Abuse is not love...Part 2

*This post is very personal, and serious. I hope it is informative on how healthy relationships should be and how to seek help. Here are some websites to check out: www.loveisnotabuse.com,         www.breakthecycle.org, and  www.joyfulhearfoundation.org. *  

If you missed Part 1 click here!

Now things progressed we got to know each other. I could see good traits, but the bad traits stood out over the good. He seemed easily jealous, quick tempered, and skeptical about everyone's intentions. After about 4 months a good friend pointed out that these things were signs of abusiveness and suggested I take it slow maybe a break. So I heeded her advice and he was okay with it at first. Sort of he kept trying to prove that he could seem less jealous, which was the only reason I gave him for needing a break. He also still called, came over unexpectedly, and tried to invite me places. I should have seen how obsessive and unhealthy this was. By the summer we were dating again and this is when everything just got worse. He always blamed me when he would get angry. He belittled me very often and had a tight rope on my activities. He began to isolate me, but thankfully I still lived with my parents and we had a pretty open relationship. This helped a ton later when things got pretty bad. 
I think because he had so many issues with his father and just very unstable emotionally this caused me to feel bad for him. I remember suggesting he speak with a counselor, but he refused. So I surrendered and thought maybe I was supposed to help him. Even if it meant suffering abuse, that I was pretending was not there. 
Then the physical abuse began, I remember the first time he slapped me on the face. I was trying to beg to go to a movie with my cousin. He was skeptical and obsessive, got an idea I was going to see some guy or something dumb.I still remember the shame and humiliation I felt deep inside, but I just began to push it aside and ignore it. Just thinking and praying that I could make it through every hurtful word and physical torture. After this one occurrence it happened more and more. I was finally getting very tired of the horrible treatment around November near my birthday. It was a big outburst about some new issue I caused of being disrespectful to him. He was so angry that time that he punched his front windshield and broke it, all while driving!!! 
I began to talk with my mom more after this had happened, I didn't say exactly what happened just that I needed to get away. All without him knowing where I went or when, so he could not find me. Trust me this plan was difficult to even think of let alone say out loud, since time after time he had threatened me about leaving him. Something needed to give, I was so miserable, felt hopeless, and fearful of him. 
Once December came around, I could not take it anymore. I began to try and distance myself from him, also known as lying to him whenever he called. He became weary or should I say angry. One weekend, December 10th to be exact, I manged to avoid him all but one day. He had insistently called my phone, which I ignored. Then he persisted by calling me at home, the first time my dad answered, he told "the guy" I was sleeping already and hung up. He called again and my mom answered and she came in my room, gave me the phone and left. I answered and he was angry...yes I am going to leave you in suspense for a bit, Part 3 coming soon!! 

Pregnancy Update

Today I had an appointment and I have to give a praise report of how good God is because everything is fine with her head measurements!!! Hooray!!!! I am feeling pretty good, just back aches and lots of pulling, she must be growing!! I have been super hungry, but have began the unfortunate indigestion/heartburn which means smaller meals or save for later meals. Have been feeling kicking lots and could watch all day because its amazing!! I am measuring right on for once, even if everyone says I am tiny.
Now I have a new worry/concern which is a medical one. My placenta is lying low, which is marginal placenta previa. It is not covering the cervix but is close and if does not migrate away can lead to a C-Section. I have an ultrasound in 4 weeks, a day after Christmas, to check it out and see what progress it has made. I am asking for lots of prayers because a C-Section, sounds so not fun!!! I am going to pray a novena to Saint Gianna Beretta, here is the link http://saintgianna.org/novena.htm. She has an amazing testimony to motherhood and more importantly her relationship with the Lord. I am very hopeful that the Lord will make good out of it and show me the bigger picture to this little bump in my pregnancy!!! Just to help ease my emotions and heart please pray for us!!!!! I will update again once we find out! :)

Happy Thanksgiving and beginning of Advent!!!!

Abuse is not love...Part 1

*This post is very personal, and serious. I hope it is informative on how healthy relationships should be and how to seek help. Here are some websites to check out: www.loveisnotabuse.com, www.breakthecycle.org, and  www.joyfulhearfoundation.org. *

First, I looked up the definition to the words abuse and love. Abuse- to use wrongly or improperly; misuse. To treat in a harmful, injurious, or offensive way. To speak insultingly, harshly, and in-justly to or about; revile; malign. To commit sexual assault upon. To deceive or mislead. Love- strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties. Warm attachment, enthusiasm, devotion, or admiration. Unselfish loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another. 
Two very different meanings and while you could feel love, abuse should not be the way it is ever expressed. I was thinking that some people, those close to me know what I experienced, but most do not know to what extent. At first I thought it wouldn't be difficult to write about it, but it has been. I think in part because I can't believe I let this person in my life and gave so much power to one person. I have healed a lot through the years, mostly in the first year after it happened because I allowed the Lord to do the healing and amazing things have happened in my life!! I also was encouraged to write about it because many young people are in abusive relationships and need guidance for what a healthy relationship should be. There are different resources out there to help bring awareness and help for those suffering from abuse.
To start I will begin with the fact that I was young, hopeful, and naive. I was 19 years old, had just graduated high school a year before and searching for my life calling. Isn't every 19 year old in search of a career choice, love, and fun?! I had decided to attend these Bible study classes at an extension Bible College Campus at the Christian non-denominational church I was attending at the time. I also met a guy in one of these classes, that had recently began to attend church there. At this time I was very passionate and zealous for sharing the good news of Christ with any willing ear, hence the openness I had towards people. Back to "the guy" he was an acquaintance with friends I had known for many years. This is were it began...
I got a call from some "guy" from church, I had never given him my number or anything. He asked the friend we both knew for my number and her seeing no harm she obliged. He asked questions about our class we had together. From then on began an awkward relationship that would be my most difficult. To be honest I was not attracted to him for any particular characteristic. I just thought let's date a bit and see how it goes, since your Christian and I am too.

Part 2 coming soon!! 

Pregnancy update...motherhood update!!!

I thought I would do a pregnancy update to let you know how everything is going. It was short I promise and then after our ultrasound, my heart had to share this part of my journey with this new baby.
 I am gaining weight finally, no more morning sickness!! I am healthy and have a growing bulge, lol!! Baby is looking good, except her head is measuring a little small. We usually have 3D ultrasounds done because of my sister with microcephaly. They did not refer us this time because there is only one in town and they have stopped sending patients there. So our option was to drive 4 hours away to one, but we declined. We never do the amniocentesis tests and could do without the 3D ultrasound, but now I want the 3D ultrasound just so give me peace of mind and heart that she might just have a smaller head compared to her big headed brothers! I am truthfully not fearful of a child with microcephaly, just worried about being able to provide a fulfilling and healthy life for our little baby girl. Plus, knowing already how much energy it takes to raise a child with special needs, I think what if we can't!! My parents have done an excellent job to the best of their abilities to raise my sister, so I know we would have lots of support!! Its just the unknown things such as if she does have it how severe and how developed is her brain, etc. So many prayers for us as we wait for news and trust that God has a huge amazing plan for our family no matter the circumstances!!! :)
I was able to get encouragement from my amazing mother in law and she told me about Saint Gianna Beretta Molla, to read about her life check out this website, www.saintgianna.org. It was good to read her prayer and reflections because lets be honest what expecting mother does not worry and freak a little about their unborn child. So here are a few of her reflections: "Whatever God wants." "When one does one's own duty, one must not be concerned, because God's help will not be lacking." "One cannot love without suffering or suffer without loving." These little reflections really spoke to my heart and really humbled me. Then her prayer spoke even more to me:

"Jesus, I promise You to submit myself to all that You permit befall me, make me only know Your will. My most sweet Jesus, infinitely merciful God, most tender Father of souls, and in a particular way of the most weak, most miserable, most infirm which You carry with special tenderness between Your divine arms, I come to You to ask You, through the love and merits of Your Sacred Heart, the grace to comprehend and to do always Your holy will, the grace to confide in You, the grace to rest securely through time and eternity in Your loving divine arms." 

No matter how much older I get God continually has lessons for my heart and I cannot forget to surrender it so He can work them through and grow me into that woman of prudent integrity I always ask to become daily. Just had to share this because at some point in our lives we forget how God calls us to surrender to Him and courageously ask for His will in everything. Even if it may not make sense at the time there is always a bigger plan He has in store for us, we simply have to trust Him and know that someday it will make complete sense.   

Now to continue with the pregnancy update, feeling movement since 14 weeks and now, it is fun to feel more and more because it reminds me that yes I am pregnant with our 3rd baby. Worries about going through labor, only that for some reason I won't be able to go naturally medicine free. I guess I feel this way because this pregnancy has been my hardest so far and it may be my hardest delivery. I do know, I am praying I will not have to be induced for any reason and that this time we actually get to our due date, lol. Being I am due on spring break and my husband will be student teaching, I hope for sanity's sake we can hold out until then!! We will see when this baby is ready and makes an appearance.
How will I mange once there are three munchkins?! I don't know, lol!!! Any suggestions? No, truthfully as everyone says children change your life, even after two children the dynamics changed, so guess what they will change again. All I know is lots of prayer, love, support, and strength is what I need. To be honest after Ezekiel was born it was only chaotic for the first two months, lol, then it became blissful. So my children bring me blissful chaos and I love every minute of it!!! I do know poor baby must already wonder how many little people are out there?! Lol, from all the noise, bumps, and pressure she must feel at times. So that is it for now!! :) <3

 Oh  here is my belly at 19 weeks 4 days

Isn't my little pumpkin cute?!!!

Happy Halloween!! 

And Baby #3 is...

We were so excited to find out what gender this little munchkin was!! Finally knowing always helps get me through the last months of pregnancy. Plus, we have names picked out already and I love to call them by name!! So this is Karissa Kay Hibler!!!

We always look at the meanings of names because it is with you forever. This little baby's name is, Karissa: loving; Kay: pure. I never care to share before they are born because its our choice and people better get used to it!! 

Thoughts on death and LIFE

Lately, I have been thinking about death, weird right, but mainly because I had a dream I became ill and died. Of course it freaked me out not because I am afraid of dying, but a little mainly because my family. The idea of getting to rest eternally with my God is exciting, but not a good idea yet if my children are still young. So here are my thoughts on death, it can be a beautiful part of our journey. We aren't meant to be immortal. It is unknown what happens when we die, but I have faith that God will be there waiting. "....Be faithful until death and I will give you the crown of life." Revelations 2:10, here is one of my favorite from one of the gospels, "I am the resurrection and the life. He who believes in Me, though he die, he shall live." John 11:25
It also got me thinking about all I want our children to know about the Lord. So much to teach and so little time, lol!! The most important thing is that they know, understand, and live that Jesus Christ loves them so much He surrendered His life so that they could live eternally. This is how I would sum it up for them and you, "Christ loves us so much that He gave Himself as an ultimate sacrifice so we could live. It may seem at times in our lives that we definitely do not deserve such love, but it is through His grace that we need to humbly and with all our hearts except it, know it, and most importantly live our lives in surrender to Him. With this wisdom and openness of heart God can do mighty things for you always because you are His and He is your's!!! My children love God with all your heart, mind, and strength because apart from Him it is not a life worth living!!!!!" :) <3